Let me climb that mountain

There has been an endless influx of things to do for the past week. I usually have to go through something really impactful – earth-shattering enough to write an update. Not saying that everything has been smooth-sailing lately. On the contrary, it has been one of the worst weeks I’ve ever had. I think I’ve said something along the lines of “it’s not pain that’s painful, it hurts instead to be let down from pleasure to pain” and that still holds true because what followed Orientation was simply tear-jerking for many. I hold the record again for failing to feel the same emotions.

I’m not kidding when I say that. While everybody cried their hearts out on Thursday(I wish this day never happened), I actually had to look around and wait, try to find an emotion and that’s it.

What I’m trying to say is don’t be too hard on my emotions because I don’t know how to channel the appropriate ones sometimes.

PS. This is a little short because I actually started on Sunday. It’s Monday night after a long day.

A letter from my 30-year-old self

Dear 17-year-old Hadi,

In close to 22 years time, science and technology will progress so rapidly it’s so grand. They invented a machine called “the oblivion”. I sat in it and they washed all my memories away. They then gave me an e-portal which stores all my memories so I accessed it. You know, yesterday being one of my less busy days – my wife brought the kids out to visit their great-grandmother’s grave, yeah the chinese one – for they never knew who she was. You never did either. You only appreciated her at the hospital.

I can see you having so much difficulties in your studies and council work. Oh those were some of the things that will really impact your life when you grow up. I would never question your dedication for the things you do for you were me. I know how hard you tried to wake up at night to revise on your work but to no avail. But don’t worry, February of 2010 will be better for you. You’ll have much more time to concentrate on your work. Persevere in pursuit of your studies, I know you will. But don’t forget not to neglect your religion and family (that’s what I’m trying to instill in my kids as well).

The acoustic guitar is still sitting nicely in the room. I’m going to teach the children how to play. Your parents now enjoy a very satisfying life without the worries all of us have. Dad’s really happy that I’ve finally returned him the money that paid for my University tuition fees. You used to think it wasn’t really fair that he had to work for your education. Put that thought away already because from the smile I see on his face across the hall right now, he’s so glad I’m so successful. Your sister is going to open a school for children with Special Needs. I’ve always been so impressed of her successes. Oh well, I just heard the ring of the house keys and the voices of the children in the key of happy. They’re home now, I should be going.

PS. Do what I say. It’ll never go wrong, you were me, remember?

30-year-old Hadi

Letter from my ideal 22-year-old self

Dear 17-year-old Hadi,

Oh yes I’m doing fine thanks for asking. You might see that you’ve still retained some of your brilliant spells of sarcasm. I’m sorry you received this letter so late – I have been far too busy finishing my assignments. You see, I’m a 2nd year undergraduate at NUS. Study hard, because I know you’re capable of achieving good grades. You did very well by the way. You remember that acoustic guitar you bought in 2009? It’s still sitting in the room nicely. The room isn’t blue anymore, I painted it white after the ‘A’ levels. Your mom is still a lovely housewife, albeit her clumsiness. And don’t worry about your father, he has retired after working his ass off for my University fees. Your sister attained her degree last year and is happily married to a good man.

The cat died, but I’m sure you’d have preferred him to live forever. I’m sure he won’t forget how in early 2009 when you first entered JC you were late one morning because you had to feed him before you left the house. Stop being such a prick to others, you’re no longer a child. Lose the profanities as well, they aren’t pleasant to the ears. But don’t worry, I’m more reserved now. Oh that’s all the time I have for now, I have to sleep. Journey to school is a dreadful, long one.

22-year-old Hadi

Music and what I’ve been up to

You might think, from the title of this post, that I was going to share my favourite pastime. But it isn’t of course, because that’d make this post a chore for you to read, a stark contrast from the heart-pounding, smile inducing posts that I have written (right?… guys?). Anyway, I discovered a really good British alternative/progressive rock band a year ago and for a couple of days now I have been into them. A lot. I’m not going to tell you the band because I don’t like people having the same playlist as me. Yeah that’s how selfish I am. The band has everything I want – fast and unexpected drum beats, epic guitar shreddage, appropriate palm muting and the British accent. Plus the lyrics are really unlike the run-off-the-mill shit ones you get from radio rock. Anyway this is the first time I’ve listened to music that has made me smile, and I hope my religion does the same for me.

Lately I’ve been doing nothing other than the occasional  trip to school to settle the orientation banner. I’ve started finding recipes for home-made meals because everyone has that bit of feminineness in them. I haven’t started on my homework and revision and I’m proud of it.

PS. I think I have been  a royal asshole lately which is sad really but realisation is a start right?

False obligations and Angkor Wat

It’s about 6am here in Siem Reap, Cambodia on my last full day here. The guesthouse lady just said hi to me. The people here are really friendly and warm, particularly this saleswoman but I’ll just elaborate on that later. Yesterday I had the grand opportunity to visit the Angkor Wat, albeit the USD20 lost (yeah the tickets cost as much and locals and children need not pay). It didn’t disappoint, really because correct me if I’m wrong, everything there is handcrafted. With the same ticket I could go to many other temples. The Angkor Thom oh that one’s really impressive. To put it simply, it’s the same temple Lara Croft: Tomb Raider was filmed in (I managed to eavesdrop on one of the tour guides who were too expensive to hire).

However, what intrigued me most was how eager the Cambodians are to selling their products to tourists whenever I step out of the tuk-tuk. I honestly felt really bad for them because I would never imagine myself growing up without proper education, care and hygiene.

PS. As I was walking by the markets by Angkor Wat a vendor lady was touting me to buy some Cambodian merchandise. We chatted for a while (you know, being the friendly person I am), most of which I was giving really horrible excuses for why I wasn’t buying the merch. As I walked away to enter Angkor Wat, she vociferated her love for me in the most Cambodian accent possible – “sir, can I love you?” But she was definitely joking of course.

“Don’t worry sir, I’m just kidding with ya”

“You better be joking, I’m a rapist”

God I love Cambodia!

Kingdom of Cambodge and the language

I’m not really one who questions the integrity or the use of languages, English in particular because that so far has been the only language I’m fluent in. But I heard someone using a popular phrase in speech which sparked a lot of thought and believe me, I think a lot.

You don’t believe me? I saw it with my own eyes!

I heard someone saying that and I thought to myself – if I don’t use my own eyes to see, then what in the world do I use? Someone else’s eyes? Ears? But that’s besides the point really, because all I’m trying to prove here is that some of us never really did consider the literal meanings of phrases we use.

It’s approximately twenty minutes past 1pm in Siem Reap, Cambodia and I’m sitting in the balcony of a guest house. By guest house I don’t mean a relative invited me over to stay. It’s like a backpackers’ inn. It has been really fascinating so far because I’m wearing fisherman pants right now. That says a lot on how much into Cambodia I’m in. But I think these pair of pants are impressively comfy and nice. I’ve met a couple of Cambodian Muslims who live together in a little district and for the way it’s been for the past one and a half days, they appear obliged to make me feel so welcome in Siem Reap. I’m lovin’ it so far, sans the food around here. So hell yeah Cambodge!

PS. the children here are really cute and sweet, loved waving at them from the tuk-tuk

Emotions high and Cambodge

I really find people’s emotions fascinating. For instance, it really gets me when I see someone who’s usually all of jubilance and generally happiness (but I use jubilation because I want you to picture someone who celebrates life) undergo a period of sadness. Not crying wailing sadness – just mentally picture a person in solitude. I bring this up because I was watching “Funny People” starring Adam Sandler. Horrible movie really, but it’s about a well-known comedian who receives news that he has a form of leukemia. I’m thinking you’ll get the link now (happy, sad, comedy, leukemia).

I’m going to side track here but I’ll just tell you how I feel about movies. If I find myself drifting away – thinking about my daily life or workload – whilst watching the movie, then it’s bad. Needless to say, my whole life flashed before my eyes during Funny People.

I’ll be leaving for Cambodia in about eight hours.

Speechless

It has been rainy for a few days, so I’ll be expecting it to be very cold for the next few as well. To avoid sounding like a weatherman already, I’d have to say I learnt a lot of things in OGL Camp.  On the first morning I looked at the faces of all councillors. We were looking really nervous – all of us wanted OGL Camp to be a success. I guess the real highlight of the day was during MMM (Mass Mission Meridian). After a really tiring couple of hours, we got into the train to get back to school. All of us were taking naps but a call made me wake up. Then I looked at the other councillors’ sleeping and I felt really touched for we were working really hard. Especially Zhen Qiang because I’ve seen him work really hard for Orientation. You might think I’m crazy but I’m sure you have been in situations where you’re in the midst of a discussion or a meeting and suddenly you zone out and look at everyone working.

The event I’m in charge was on the second day. Even though I’m a second I/C, I was really scared and I personally felt that it screwed up. It’s not like no one was listening to me, I didn’t know if they were or not. Plus the logistics were deficient. Effectively my second day was ruined. On the night of day 2 (or probably the morning of third day) Mr Hon spoke to me. I’ve always thought that behind all his shenanigans lies a really honest and nice man. I could see he’s a really concerned TA as he made me share what I felt about my event and the camp thus far.

But what I learnt most importantly was about the people in council who are often left out of the fun we have. I think the saddest part about always being left out isn’t about missing the fun but the fact that everyone is forgetting you. I’m sure all of us have felt like victims before. It’s really horrible to find us having fun and disregarding others. For instance, when we have meals together, everyone speaks except for a certain one or two of us. The worst thing is that the person tried to speak and get involved as well just to find him or herself ignored.

Oh and I only slept for 5 hours in total for OGL Camp.

Talking down and studying

It’s odd really but the past few days had me witnessing a few instances where people talk down to others. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one to force my values down others’ throats. And I’m not one to harp on really cliche and overused things. But this has affected me really, even though I haven’t been at the end of any belittling. I know I’m not exactly the nicest person ever, but whenever I seem as if I’m offending an individual, more often than not I do it for the fun. But yesterday I heard a person of supposed greater authority speak to a fellow student. He said something along the lines of “you’re not supposed to be doing this and that, go there and do that” which I thought was absolutely pompous.

At this kind of instances the person at the end of it would of course then comply. But everone has dignity, and I for sure would at least try to come up with a quick, semi relevant argument even though I know I’m wrong. I really disliked what I heard to the extent that I felt pretty offended myself.

Moving on, now that lectures have started again, I would have to try to start studying, ie. the routine I had to have before promotional exams. But the problem I have with studying is that I would never know whether the concepts have been internalised. Sometimes I would have to revisit and re-read everything again just to make sure. Which sucks really because it’s useless, to me at least. It’s like forcing myself to play games at a carnival just because it’s the last day.

Almost here but not exactly

Before I say(or write, for that matter) what I want to say, I have utmost respect for leaders I know. Be it politicians or my peers. Having came back from Leadership Training Camp(LTC), the last thing I’d post about is how fun it was – although I have to admit that it was a shitload of fun and I absolutely adore my group, Tiger Balm, I’m sure everyone had fun as well so why bother sharing? The thing is, we were taught the “Five practices of leadership”. I see everyone mindlessly indulging in a buffet of fanciful sounding phrases describing how leaders are supposed to structure themselves. Which set me thinking really – do we actually need these guiding principles? Are we that stupid?

Although leadership isn’t exactly the easiest of tasks, I’m as hell sure we don’t have to constrict ourselves to the aforementioned ‘practices’. To draw parallel, it’s like having commandments for breakfast. I imagine a family who walks to the dining table while muttering under their breath “we butter the bread with butter, we butter the bread with butter…”. I do not need these guidelines to learn how to lead.

Moving on to something more personal, I feel after entering Junior College, I’ve never really had a really serious or heart-to-heart conversation with anyone. Which scares me really. Because I haven’t much to offer other than wicked or morbid jokes/thoughts. But I can be a really mature and insightful person too.

PS. I’ve seen some people already starting to study really hard after this week of lectures. Seriously, you can get the best of courses in University but most of you are losing out socially.